April 23rd, 2002 by Kevin Free yourself...smash your cell phone

This person should die in a fiery car crash.

Cell phones have got to be one of the most important and most annoying inventions of the late 20th century. They have made business transactions easier, faster, and more convenient. At the same time the people talking on them pollute the air with their meaningless conversations and endless chattering. This is not to say that only businessmen should have them. Cell phones are useful in other applications, such as emergencies. But yuppies who popularized them along with their god-awful SUV's and their self-centered teenagers who made the cell phone a status symbol have ruined this once useful invention. Take a clue from me: You are not important.

You don't need to take them on the bus. In fact, if you have to ride the bus, you probably shouldn't even have a cell phone. Get your priorities straight. You don't need to bring a cell phone to the movie theater. Movie theaters are supposed to be quiet places where you watch a movie. They are not places to do your fucking drug deals. Go outside. Next person I hear at the movies with a cell phone gets the thicker end of it shoved up their ass. In fact, I highly doubt that cell phones are needed in public places at all. What are you, some kind of slave to the people around, always being contacted and harrassed with idiotic conversation? Why don't you live life a little?

I think cell phone jammers should be legal. The first place they should implement them? College campuses. Either that or the next person I see with a phone is getting taken away and smashed to pieces. While they watch, of course. Then I'll run. Because, well, their probably much stronger than I am. Anyways, to get back on track... Last time I checked none of these Abercrombie wearing, fake-baking, self-indulgent pricks weren't the CEO of some important company. Now, if you have a retarded half-brother with one leg and a bowel movement problem at home, that you may have to keep an eye on, then maybe a cell phone is ok. You know, so you can go clean up his shit if no one is home. Other than that, cell phones should be banned from being used unless it's an emergency.

Another thing I've heard of is a boy or girl giving their signifigant other a cell phone or pager as a gift, so basically they can always be reached. What the fuck kind of gift is that? If I ever got something like that I'd wipe my ass with hit and throw it back at her, Fuck that. Seriously, if your girlfriend is that jealous and untrustworthy of you, I think it's time to dump that bitch to the curb and move on with your life. And while you're at it, break that leash they call a cell phone. You don't need that either.

I think I've said my piece. Those with cells might be saying, "you're just jealous that nobody would call you if you had a cell phone." You're goddamn right no one would call me. Maybe the reason you have a cell phone is because you're insecure. You have to surround yourself with people to make up for the things that you don't have. To make you feel important. Which you're not. You're insignificant. Free yourself. Smash your cell phone.

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