July 16th, 2002 by Kevin 45 Things That Are Retarded

Update: Disconnected By Your Smile is now online. It is a place for me and Ken's other writings. I only changed the link on the front page (External Sites / Disconnected...) because to do so on every page on this site would drive me insane. Check it out.

AOL is rarely good for anything, and this list I found just reiterates that fact. Quite simply, this is the most stereotypical, retarded, and insane list of things I have ever read in my entire life. I had some fun ripping on it in my own stupid little way. I give you the 45 Things Women Wish Men Would Know On Their Own.


1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.

Why not? Isn't sex supposed to be about love? Isn't sex the ultimate showing of love and passion between two people? I thought so.

2. Real men drive stick shift.

I don't drive. Does that make me a woman?

3. I will leave if you lie.

No, you won't If everyone did that we'd all be single.

4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).

No.

5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.

You know what? I'm sick of coding. Sorry about not having line breaks...
So do I. Join the club.
6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
That's not hard to figure out.
7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
What if it's "damn bitch, you super fine!"
8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.
I don't. Get over it.
9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.
And I don't want to become my dad. What's new?
10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
You get turned on far too easily.
11. I expect you to call me.
I hate the phone. Get over it.
12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.
I agree.
13. I'm scared of losing my independence.
Then don't get into a relationship. It's a two way street full of compromise.
14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.
I am too.
15. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)
That's your fault, not mine.
16. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
Fashion is overrated.
17. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.
No, you don't.
18. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
Why, I like the flabby tummy. I need something to hold on to!
19. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.
You don't love me? Bummer.
20. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
Why, because it's hiding my receding hair line?
21. You should never tell me what to do.
Same to you.
22. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.
But it's your choice to sleep over. And I can't cook.
23. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
Gee thanks. What happened to subtelty? It seems to be your specialty.
24. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.
I'm ashamed when I do.
25. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
I thought you wanted to be independant.
26. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
See #16.
27. I want to be Madonna.
Yeah, so you can complain when men ogle at your breasts.
28. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
Me too.
29. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
You're sexy when you're wearing nothing.
30. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
Self-esteem problem? Short attention span?
31. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.
I know.
32. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this.
Lower your expectations.
33. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking....
Don't cry when I don't let you back in.
34. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times.
Why? What if it pertains to the subject at hand? And what are you, afraid of being compared to someone else?
35. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.
That's dumb.
36. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.
I knew this already. We're not as stupid as the media procalims us to be.
37. I love it when you're sweaty.
I think it's quite disgusting myself.
38. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
I thought it was the thought that counts.
39. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
OK, you have me there. Unless it's in public.
40. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.
Great.
41. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
I don't think so.
42. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
Read? Little psycho (and territorial) are we?
43. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
I'll give you that one.
44. I remember everything about our relationship.
I don't. Once again, get over it!
45. You should know all this and more without my telling you.
No, I think not. If we're so dumb, then TELL US!

Alright, so it was more dumb than funny. But so what? A grand total of 8 out of 45 were actaully right on track. The rest were stereotypical schizo-women things. One of these days I'll actually be able to write. I swear.

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