November 25th, 2001 by Kevin Untitled

People often ask me to be happy. To look enthused. To stop whining about how bad my life is, and actually care about other people. All of them valid requests. One should be happy, and should care about people. What they don't understand is... me. I care in different ways, believe it or not. I am happy once in a while. What gets me is that other people can't take it when I am whiny and bitchy (probably because it's so often), even though I have every right to be that way. It's an internal thing, trust me. So for those of you who no longer wish to hear me be depressing, I have flanked (I know that's not the right word) this post with soothing images. I have put on that facade that you all wish to see of me. For the rest of you out there, my writing ir a stream-of-conciousness piece about the war, "god" and my own internal conflicts. I cried before and after writing it. How's that for a heartless sonofabitch?

I wish I had someone to love. I wish I had someone to love me. Not someone that has to love me (or I them). Not my family, not God, not myself. I am a fragile, tender human being filled with too much rage at my own kind to be able to love, but filled with too much caring to have the ability to kill someone. Such a contradiction. If God is like us, and we are like God, why aren't we all good. Why aren't we all perfect? Is it possible not to be like God, if he made us in his image? Or do we just reject him?

I'm convinced unconditional love doesn't exist. A mother's love is the only thing that comes close, and that isn't enough. Our love is selective, and for that we suffer. If only both ends would actually try to understand one another, something could change. But it won't. It never will, and human nature is to blame. Human nature looks to be one of selfishness, one of ignorance but our own interests. Is that wrong? Can it change?

I'm not a peace-loving, tree hugging hippie. I'm pissed off that someone would do something so horrible to the country in which I live. I don't feel a personal connection to it (other than the obvious one of being American) because I haven't felt a personal connection to anyone or anything for 3 years now, and even then I was distant. Disconnected. Maybe that impairs my judgement. They are bastards, savages for doing that to us, and now they got what they deserved, even if innocent lives were lost. Aren't we, as human beings, intelligent enough to know when to stop? You can say, "No, you dumbass, THEY are not!" Well fine, you just fight the good fight until we're all dead, and God can sort us out. 'Cause no one will ever learn, because both sides of any conflict (worldwide) are too selfish and ignorant to know any better. And you wonder why I am the way I am...

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