This guide was created in response to this site. I realize that the site was also intended as a joke, but I don't think it was nearly harsh enough. You know how I hate subtlety, right? Well here I give you the most over-the-top guide to looking like a total tool yet to grace the internet.

The first step to looking like a tool, or prep as they're commonly known as, is to have the right clothes. As everyone knows, "clothes make the man" and "looks can kill," so you want to look your best when you're shaking your ass like a fucking invalid on the dance floor to the latest Nelly single, right? Abercrombie & Fitch is a great place to start. In fact, you should own at least one piece of clothing with "Abercrombie" written on it. If it doesn't have some sort of brand name on it, it isn't worth wearing. Because why be fashionable unless you can show every poor shlub you come across that you paid $55.00 for a shirt that some Tawainese kid got paid 17 cents for making? For girls, the more clevage hanging out, the better. Also, remember never to break away from what the people in your group are wesring, because as we all know dissenters are bad and you're simply not cool unless you fit in.

Summary for preps such as jocks and Nelly fans with a 4th grade reading level: Wear Abercrombie. Not American Eagle. Discount clothes from Kohl's, Target, or the like are not acceptable at all. You are uncool otherwise.

OK, I covered what's on the outside first, because everyone knows that that's what really counts. The next important step is to have the right underwear, because you never know when that hot guy or girl you've been checking out all night will ask to see them. Usually that time is after she's had about 6 of those pussy kool-aid Smirnoff Ices at the bar and she's dancing wildly to Snoop Dogg's "Beautiful." One word: Thongs. It matters not what you look like or what body size you are, we like seeing it all hang out. Honestly. Guys must wear boxers. I know I supplied a picture of the thong, but I will spare you the boxers, simply because I didn't want to take a picture of my own drawers, and I didn't feel like looking at guys' packages on the Abercrombie site.

Summary for those whose mothers' insurance plans should have covered abortions: Thongs and boxers, dumbasses.

I think I got the clothes covered. On to footwear. Every college student I've ever seen owns a pair of sandals, so you must have a pair, Birkenstocks are preferable, because they're overpriced and you can get the exact same pair at Payless for $7.99. Walk around in sandals at all times, even in 30 degree weather, because quite frankly I enjoy the smell of your feet. If sandals aren't your thing (read: you're sane.), boots or shoes that look like boots are a good buy. The higher the heel for the girls, the better. That conveys how much of a slut you are, because ALL porn stars wear fuck-me boots like that. For guys, buy Doc Martens. Nothing says "tool" like a $120 pair of boots you could get for $50 at K-Mart.

Hair dye is a fun and easy way to further convey that you look like a complete ass. Guys, please, frost your hair and make the little half-spike with it. It really makes you look sexy, sexy as a two-toned penis with little pube-spikes. Girls, go blonde. Blondes have more fun, along with more VD's and other diseases. I can't state enough that your natural hair color is NOT GOOD and you should try to look like the latest TRL stars, because MTV knows fashion even more than it knows shitty music.

Summary for people like you that I hate: Sandals. Boots. Overpriced, please. Dye your hair normal colors so you look like everyone else.

Now you look like a bona fide tool. The most important accesory (besides your impressionistic friends) is the cell phone. YOU ABSOLUTELY NEED ONE OF THESE! NO EXCEPTIONS! To have a cell phone is to tell everyone just how important you are. Make sure to be contacted everywhere, including classes, the movie theater, and when you're having sex with the Abercrombie guy you picked up at the bar.

Another thing to have on hand is name-brand perfume. Because obviously you don't shower enough that you're natural scent (that includes pheremones that help you get laid) isn't nearly good enough. Drench yourself in the perfume or cologne. We really want to smell the puke-and-diarrhea scent these companies push off as "toilet water."

Music is hugely important, and as with clothes you should not dissent with what the members of your circle of friends listen to. It is greatly frowned upon. Pick up some Dave Matthews or Ben Harper, because all college students love them. If that's not your thing, or you're not a college student, turn on MTV and write down every video played on TRL and buy those cd's, then turn on Top 40 radio and buy those cd's too. Because if it's on the radio, and it's on MTV, and most importantly if you can dance to it, it must be good!

That's the end of my guide, if you think I've missed anything (such as a lifetime membership to the DNC), e-mail me and maybe I'll put it up.