January 14th, 2002 by Kevin Forever Eleven

You know how people are always wishing they were younger? Or trying to rediscover their inner-child, so they go and do something totally out of the ordinary, like bungee jumping? Yeah, I’m sure you do. I’ve wondered what their motives are behind this whole wanting to be younger thing. Do they want to be young forever? Do they just want to remember the good old days for a while? Honestly, I don’t know why they do it. But, and I’m sure you saw this coming, I know why I want to be a kid, and not just a little while, but forever. Less responsibilities. That’s probably an obvious answer. But I’m serious about this. It’s not a joke, it’s not a playful reminiscing. I’m for real. I want to be an 11-year-old forever.

Now any logical person would tell me all the reasons why I want to age. They would say, “But Kevin, If you were 11, you couldn’t taste the menthol-y goodness of a Kool cigarette.” And I would say, “Like that’s a bad thing, to be addicted to something that kills you.” You can make the assumption that I would make basically the same argument for any “cool” thing you bring up about being older. Let’s see… drinking. I never liked drinking until college. And it hasn’t gotten me laid or anything, so what good is that? Speaking of sex, there’s another one. I would have never lost my virginity if I stayed 11 forever. Well, you would almost have me, except that sex hasn’t really gotten me anything either. Let’s hear it for 5 minutes of pleasure, and an hour of emotional baggage afterwards. I wouldn’t get to experience life. But my life at 11 would be just fine for me!

I said before that less responsibilities is the main reason for this whole thing, and that is true. I would have no job. I wouldn’t have to worry about what people thought of me. There would be no “I love you” ‘s to ponder if the other person meant what they said. Nothing. My mom would make sure I was fed at least twice a day. I would bathe once a week. That sounds gross, I know, but you couldn’t have possibly smelled that bad at 11 years old. And being 11 forever, you wouldn’t have to go to school. No stupid, worthless science projects to work on. No awkward social dance classes, filled with girls that you are convinced hate your guts, and guys who just want to get the hell out of there. No school dances to be rejected from going to. Alright, I’ll admit I never actually asked a girl to a dance, but for those of you like me, you know how those things play out in your mind. They never work out.

Let’s see here, when I was 11, it was 1992. That means Nirvana was big, and the Smashing Pumpkins were just getting started. Good music! That also means Super Nintendo was out. I never had one, so I won’t talk about that. But… that would also mean that the NES was at it’s end, which is perfect. All the games I could ever want. I could play Tecmo Super Bowl all I wanted. I would have all the time in the world to beat all the Mario games. I was never any good at those things. That should tell you something about why I only like sports video games. Sure, I would never have a computer, hence I would never have made any of my websites, or played Counter-strike, or looked at ungodly amounts of porn. But who cares? No one has ever really come to my web site, this one included, I suck ass at Counter-strike, and porn isn’t real. I’ve never been with a girl that looks anything like a porn actress, and this is including amateurs. Sex just doesn’t happen like that, I’m sorry to say.

11 was the age I started noticing girls. They weren’t icky anymore. They didn’t have breasts yet, but that was ok. I didn’t masturbate yet either, so it all works out. Being 11 was cool, because I noticed them, and I wasn’t self-aware enough to care if they noticed me. I mean, fuck high school, and making out, and getting head. That’s all fine and good, really, but look how much you have to work for that stuff. I mean, if you’re like me, anyways. I didn’t play football, and I didn’t have a nice car. I just wrote emotional lyrics, and dressed they way I felt most comfortable. Did you ever notice none of that really existed at a younger age? I mean, yeah, kids are cruel as hell. But… well now that I think about it’s the same shit, different time period. So screw it, it did happen, but I was too young and stupid to notice. So now I’ve written myself into a corner, as I tend to do. But that’s ok. I’ll just…not be social if I stay a kid forever. In true childish fashion, I don’t care if you think it’s a bad call. I don’t care if you want more of an explanation. I’ll just ignore your so-called “logic” and “common sense.” Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go and play NHL 96 for my genesis, and have my mom make me a grilled cheese sandwich.

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