January 22nd, 2002 by Kevin How to succeed in the world

I wrote this almost a year ago (Let's hear it for recycled material!), and I still find this, albeit sadly sometimes, to hold true.

When it all comes down to it, there are two types of people in this world. Winners and losers. The way to become a winner is fairly simple, it can be described in one word. Bullshit. That's it. All you have to is bullshit and you'll be ok. The world is pretty much based on bullshit. Some might say religion is bullshit. Others might argue advertising is bullshit. They are correct in their thinking, for the most part. We all know the saying "nice guys finish last." Well that is very, very true. Us nice guys sit back and wait for things to happen, we tell the truth, we treat women with respect, and we turn in our homework on time. And what are we rewarded with? Nothing. Not a god damn thing. So, for all you nice guys (and girls!) out there, here are some examples that will show you how to be successful in this world by use of the phenomenom known as bullshit.

Example I. Promotions at work

None of us really like our jobs right? So it's nice to get a new one, especially one that gets us more money. And as we all know, money equals success, sad as that may seem. The first thing you have to do is kiss the boss's ass. Kissing ass is really just a form of of bullshit. You may not like the person, in fact you may just downright despise them. But..if you're nice, you give them the illusion you like them, in short, you're bullshitting them. Kissing ass is always a surefire way to get a promotion. Giving them ass is even a better way to do it, especially if you're a woman. But say they are intolerant of the ass-kissing. Well then you might have to have higher skills at bullshitting them. A college degree is a good start. A degree in and of itself is a good thing, don't get me wrong. But having one almost guarantees you a good job and/or a promotion. You could be majoring in Lesbian Studies or something, but just the fact that you took the time and money to go to college (where you probably spent most of your time getting wasted on cheap beer and smoking pot) shows them you are a good bullshitter. And that's...bullshit. Someone could have been there 20 years working their ass off, and wants a change...but cannot get one because of the fact that they didn't go to college, even if they are far more qulaified.

Example II. Good grades in school

I mentioned homework in the intro, and it's a big part of bullshitting in the school environment. School is based on bullshit. They teach you a lot of crap that you don't need to know. I still haven't used anything from any of my math classes (except Consumer Math) other than for more shitty math classes. So, that's obviously bullshit, but it's not helping anyone succeed. Where it does come in though is mainly for term papers, and giving excuses for being absent/late/whatever. Term papers are a pain in the ass. I could never get enough information to fulfill the page requirement, and I usually suffered because of it. Now, on the other hand, the kids that pull stuff out of their ass consistently got good grades, while I was told time and time again to rewrite with more length. I guess teachers would rather read a bunch of bullshit then something written in a clear, concise manner. This also applies to tests too, specifically essay/short answer ones. I'm the type where I don't put anything down if I have no idea what the answer is. And of course, I get no credit for admitting defeat. But other people can put almost anything down, if it makes even the littlest bit of sense they get some credit. What the hell is that? It can be totally off the track, but it doesn't matter. You are also rewarded for bullshitting when using excuses for being late or absent. I normally can't bring myself to lie or make something up, and again I suffer for it. But then there's these guys with every excuse in the book. It works almost every time, too. Either the teachers are fucking stupid, or they admire their ability to bullshit. I'm going for the latter. Also, kids are also rewarded when theire parents are bullshitters too. These are the people whose parents call them in just so they can take off (or maybe their kids bullshit them into thinking they're sick) for whatever. It's simple. The parent calls in and makes up some lame excuse for why their kid isn't there, and then they can screw around all day. All because of BS.

Example III. Getting/keep a hot girl or guy

This is really what I'm talking about when I say "nice guys finish last." We nice guys get nothing when it comes to girls. They say they want the nice guy, and "oh, they're so sweet" and blah blah blah. THEY'RE FULL OF SHIT! So right there, you see the bullshit factor. But here's another one. I think it's pretty simple, just tell them you'll do this or that, maybe do some of it, like take her somewhere s/he wants to go, then don't do it anymore. Just be nice for awhile, and you got it. As long as you got money, drugs, or a big dick, it'll be ok. You can also succeed in this area by acting like you like their friends, or acting like you want more from a relationship then good sex. I bet it works 9 times out of 10. You can't be totally honest with them either. Most people can't handle the truth. I know I can't. Being a good liar (read: bullshitter) is a good skill to have when it comes to girls/guys. It comes in handy when they ask you to go to :::insert name of place you don't want to go here::: . Always say yes, as you will be rewarded later. Trust me.

Example IV. Politicians (or being liked)

Ok, so not everyone likes politicians. A lot of people despise them. But they still have their voters, which means they have to be liked somewhat. And they're so full of it, too. All the lies, broken promises, fabricated stories, scandals, etc., etc. And they still have money, and a lot of them can still get chicks, just look at Bill Clinton. All you really have to do is say you'll do something, and if it doesn't happen, just say you'll try harder next time, even if you have no intention of doing so. You still have the money, you're elected time and time again, and mistresses are accepted things (again, look at Bill). How can you go wrong? You can't go wrong with this method, as long as you say you're trying. It's just that simple. You can get away with doing nothing for your life by doing this. Oh, how nice it must be.

I hope these examples helped show how it is easier to succeed in this world if you can bullshit and lie at every chance you get. But just for review.. If you kiss people's asses, make stuff up on papers and can come up with good excuses, tell someone you're something you're not, and finally say you'll do things and never do them... You'll have a nice job, get good grades, have a hot girl (and also hot sex...) and be liked by everyone. Doesn't that sound nice?

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