March 16th, 2002 by Kevin College life and why it sucks

I guess it's time for my bi-weekly update. It's not because I'm lazy or because I have writer's block. It's not even because my girlfriend keeps me captive in her bed until 2pm. I know, I'm risking having my testicles laminated and put in a mason jar for even suggesting that my girlfriend holds me hostage. But I digress. No, I haven't updated because I just don't have the time to. Ken doesn't have time either, so this hallowed website will continue to rot and degenerate into a cesspool of old updates until we decide to get off our asses and actually write. With that said, here's an update that should tide you over for another 3 weeks.


College life isn't really all it's cracked up to be. Yeah, horrible cable networks like MTV and even more horrible movies like American Pie 2 paint pictures of wild parties and rampant casual sex. We the people that actually are college students, not just people who play them on screen know this to be untrue.

A lot of people say that the high school years are supposed to be the best years of our lives. Others disagree and say college. Both are full of shit. Don't believe the lies. The high school one is easy to prove. If you're not in the popular group, or don't play football, or don't have a "fly ride" as some ghetto kids might want to call it... your high school years sucked. You got picked on and made fun of. You spent your evenings in the basement crying on the inside and listening to all the sad songs because that girl you liked doesn't even know you exist. She's out giving head to the quarterback of the football team. Don't argue with me and say, "well, why don't you try and be some of those things?" because that doesn't apply. That's not who I was and I suffered. Don't argue with me. I've been there.

The college idea is a little bit harder to dispell. There are definite advantages to going to a college. Certainly, there's the freedom of being away form your parents (providing you don't commute from home). I think that's where it ends though because everything else cool you do in college stems from not having parents around, or you were doing it already. Staying up until 4am or smoking pot behind the dumpsters are good examples of this. So there you are, free as can be in college, away from parents and intelligent thought (you'll know wha I'm talking about if you live in a dorm) and life should be great, right? Sex, sex, and more sex! Keg stands and taking shots out of womens' breasts! More drugs then you'll know what to do with, right! Wrong. Well, on second thought, there is an ungodly amount of drugs here. But there are an ungodly amount of stupid people to do them as well. So really it's like being at home but without the parents. A lot of thigns are done for you, just like at home. You still have people who cook for you (aka the meal plan) and people who clean the bathrooms. Your cable is free. It's just like home for a lot of us.

College girls don't look like this.

I want to get the party myth out of the way right now. College isn't a party. You don't party all the time in college. That is, if you want to make it out alive. Sure, you can party 5 nights a week and wake up hungover with puke all over your shoes and a strange woman in your bed. But then come the classes and the papers and all that other shit. Unless you're a complete dumbass, you won't be kicking back a bottle of vodka every night. (Note: We have people like that here.) I'm sensing you already knew that though. My readers are intelligent enough to know that, I'm thinking to myself. So I'll tell you about the actual parties. THEY. ARE. LAME. First of all, contrary to what Girls Gone Wild would like you and your penis to beleive, girls don't take off their shirts for beads. They don't act out their most wild fantasies in their dorm room with their cute foreign roommates. Sorry guys. Next, if you're idea of fun is waiting in line for 45 minutes for some really cheap beer, then go for it. Plus, the parties are held in dingy basements while awful music plays from a cheap boombox. If I hear Nelly one more time I'm going to snap. And all of this for only 5 dollars! Just think, you too can get an STD from some crazy co-ed for only five dollars. Yeah. Anyways, I would rather pay 5 bucks to get a six-pack of beer and get drunk in the comfort of my own room. But that's just me and it's a great segue into why people think parties are much cooler than getting drunk in your room. "I like the party atmosphere." Translation: Single people are looking to get laid. Hell, even I had this frame of mind a few months ago. Even way back before my freshman year I gave the excuse (to a now ex-girlfriend) that there were plenty of

I was unable to show you the rest of this typical college party girl picture because I didn't want to risk my readers gouging out their eyeballs at the tightness of her shirt.

girls that were willing to go out and have sex with me! Sadly, that was one of the last glimmers of self-confidence I had about the college scene. Those glimmers were whisked away the second I walked into the first party and went away empty handed. But don't worry, some people do get laid. Want to know how? Pay for your friends and put a few greek letters on your shirt. Yes time after time girls go home with these asshole date-rapists. Why. I don't know, but they do.

Not that you needed to know, but the food sucks ass too. Somehow, soy burgers and mock pork chops just don't cut it. If you take another route and eat at the campus fast food "restaurants," you're treated to meatballs (also made of soy) and grade D beef from the sub shop or pizza that was baked 3 and a half hours ago. Or you can go yet another way and eat on your own. But with the way tuition rapes you all you can afford is ramen noodles and Easy Mac. I don't know about you, but after the 17th consecutive day of pop tarts and Coke for breakfast I'd be pretty sick. So I eat out a lot, and I order out a lot. Not quite the healthiest choice. I probably have a 600 cholesterol, my arteries are clogged from the 2 Whoppers I just ate, and I'm bleeding from the most unpleasant of orifices because

The college drink of choice.

that unidentified food in the cafeteria doesn't want to pass through my colon. My lungs are ready to die because I smoke to get rid of the awful taste in my mouth, and I talk like I already have a trachaeotomy. My hair is falling out probably because they put Nads hair gel in the green jello and did I mention I need a bypass from eating Big Macs for the past 6 months? Oh yeah, by the way I'm 20 years old.

You may be thinking that college should be better because there aren't any cliques like in high school. Well, yes and no. It's really just one big clique of guys who wear Abercrombie and Fitch, with the trademark earring (haha! I have TWO earrings! and backwards hat. Or it's all the girls who like clubbing (read: getting all ho'ed up to take ecstacy and get felt up by braindead ravers. So there's no goths (not that I miss them) and no freaks (I don't miss them either). Just one big group of preps. You could break it down further by saying there's jocks and geeks, because every time I walk down the hall there's either someone watching ESPN or playing Everquest on their computer. That's all there is. So if you're your own kind of person, you're still in the minority.

This is all I see every time I walk down my hall.

I chose not to talk about the academic side of college because, let's face it. You don't go to college to learn, you go to get drunk and stoned! But for those interested in hearing about it, it goes like this: You get less homeowrk, but it's harder and it's even more full of shit then anything you got in high school. The people who talk do so becase they like to hear the sound of their voices. And I'm not talking about the professors either. I'm talking about the self-centered students who are only interested in making themselves look good.

By now you should either think that I'm totally full of it or that I know what I'm talking about. I could tell you where you are in life just by what you think of this post...

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